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Just a Random Journal Entry...
By: Jen
Rating: PG ///// Category: Other
Spoilers: All seasons, depends on what season the entry is from.
Disclaimer: Roswell and the characters do not belong to me. They belong to the WB and Jason Katims. I just happen to 'live' in that world too often
Note: What follows are random journal entries of Liz's written through out the seasons. Enjoy....
Random Journal Entry #1
Journal Entry 10
It's October 25 and lately I've been wondering what exactly my part in all of this is. I mean, don't you ever wish that something would just happen and then it does? Like when you least expect it too? And this one event changes your whole life significantly. It changes who you are, your beliefs, the view of your world. Everything. And a month ago, when it seemed like my life seemed like it was going no where, Max Evans appeared. A whole month ago, when Max Evans healed that bullet hole two inches below my ribs, my wish came true. I am no longer an ordinary schoolgirl living an ordinary life. In fact, I'm part of something much more. Something I know is bigger than me, that will make me do things I'll never suspect.
I love him. I'll pen that much. But he's being so damn stubborn about staying away from me. Keeping me safe, Max claims. But doesn't he know that the day he healed me, he made me a part of his life. Whatever plans the stars had made for his future, they're now mine too. I've found my soul mate, my other half. We can't be separated. Even though we're apart, we are one. And I know he loves me. Has loved me since he first laid eyes on me. And that was about eight years ago! And that part scares me, that Max Evans really loves me that much. I never thought it would be possible. Bit it also is the part that gives me hope. Hope that soon we'll be together. No Topolski, nor paranoia due to the FBI. And no small town Sheriff poking his nose in what definitely is not his business. And no ex-boyfriend watching over our every move. It'll be Max and me, and not even Michael would be able to stop the inevitable.
Despite this whole alien thing, Maria and I have been learning that they are so much like us in many ways. I even suspect my best friend has an infatuation with Michael Guerin. Not that she will admit it. But this whole 'not of this earth' aspect irked Maria a bit more, okay so a lot more, than it did me. It makes me glad that she is finally growing accustomed to it.
Wow, my mind has really been wandering tonight. But now I'll get to the point of why I decided to write in here tonight. I saw Isabel in the hallway during school today. Just enough to give her the small gift and card I had picked out for her. Today is Isabel's birthday. How could I forget? Alex has been reminding Maria and me constantly, everyday for the past few weeks. Just a random thought here, but isn't it odd how my two closest friends and I seem so attracted to the three aliens here. Three of them and three of us. Hmmm, I wonder…
Anyways, I had picked out a beautiful necklace: a delicately engraved, small pick rose on a small droplet of glass, attached to a thin silver chain. It had cost me a quarter of my week's earnings at the Crashdown, but when I saw it, I just knew I had to get it for Isabel. I want her to know that I'll be there for her…and Michael, not just Max. That she can trust me. And that I care so much for her brother, that I would do anything to protect them. All of them. Most of all, I guess I just want Isabel Evans, the Elle McPherson of the sophomore class, to accept me for who I and not just some girl guarding her most precious secret.
I can say one thing. Isabel was certainly surprised. When I handed her the carefully wrapped box and the card I made on my computer, she had looked at me inquisitively. When she asked me what it was, I put on a genuine smile and told her it was a birthday gift. Isabel's stared at me for a couple of seconds in disbelief, that I actually knew her birthday, or even cared. I guess she was trying to decide if I was for real or not. Or maybe it's just that she doesn't know Alex to well. And, I don't think I'll ever forget the look on Isabel's face when she lifted the chain from the box.
She whispered that it was beautiful and then on impulse, gave me a hug. That was probably my moment to be shocked. I swear I saw her eyes glisten with moisture. The emotions building up inside me were strong. Maybe Isabel and I have a chance to get to know each other better. Maybe she'd stop worrying about Max and me. And, I have to smile. Her ice queen posterior can be broken to reveal someone I might have the potential to be better friends with. Great friends maybe even sisters.
But I think it was at that moment, when she thanked me for the gift and laughed at my pitiful attempt at humor in a birthday card, before returning to the self she tends to show the world, that I realized. At that moment, more than anything else that has happened to me since that one eventful, faithful day did I realize Isabel and I: we're much more alike than different. We both feel emotions: love and pain, fear and longing; and more importantly, we just both want to be accepted by the people around us for who we really are inside. And I know I've found that acceptance with Max. I just hope there is a guy out there who would except Izzy for herself.
Maybe my three aliens and I, maybe we're the same after all. And maybe they don't need to necessarily find the home they were always searching for. If Max…Michael and Isabel let the right people in, they would discover that the home they were looking for has always been right in front of their eyes. I just hope that someday… And as I end this entry, I want to wish Isabel a very happy birthday, with many more to come. Because I know she needs that happiness more than I do.
Random Journal Entry 2
Journal Entry 25…December 1, 2000
Changes. I guess everyone goes through them at one point or another in their life. And you know, these aren't something your supposed to fear, right? I mean, your just supposed to accept that whatever happens is all for the greater good…even if it scares you like hell? And people say that it will be better, that soon the change will just become a part of you regular routine. But does that nececessarily happen? And if you won't let yourself change, or try your hardest to prevent it…will it still?
Most changes are the most ordinary, simplest of things that no one ever really notices. A new hair style or piece of clothing. And then the more visible ones can range from braces to, I don't know, going bald. Of course, a lot of changes can be life altering. Moving to a new town or city, changing schools or careers. And some of the hardest ones of all is when a loved one leaves you. But people say you'll get over it. You'll accept the change or loss naturally. But now I wonder, will I ever be able to accept my change naturally?
And I guess when Max Evans healed me two years ago, patching that bullet hole two inches below my ribs, I guess that's when this whole series of changes began. I've matured, I don't take life for granted anymore. My grandmother died last November. God, it's been a year and each day I miss one of the most influential people in my life. I was involved in the most intense relationship, and even though for reasons that seem quite hard for my heart to grasp at times we're apart, it still is just as deep and extreme as ever. I broke so many laws, lied to the Sheriff, my own parents, the FBI! And you know something, now it doesn't faze me a bit. There are some changes you can accept.
Most ironic of all is that during that list of altercations my life has gone through, I keep seeming to forget my world outlook now. I thought science was my place in the world, but now I look up at the sky and wonder why I even exist? What had I ever done to deserve all this? And is there some greater plan fate has for me, that none of us even know about? Funny to think that two years ago, I only dreamed about aliens…
But I guess with ever change comes consequences. Face it, life wouldn't be life if it didn't come with those consequences. And even if these consequences are hard for you to believe, are changes you never ever imagined, you still have to deal with them. God, who would have thought that when Max Evans decided to perform one act of love that would forever intertwine our lives, as well as that of our closest friends and others, that…that I would in a sense, loose whatever made me…me then.
Technically, I guess I'm still the same person. Like I said, I have noticed a huge personality change since then. I'm not as nieve and don't take things for granted. I know things I shouldn't and I probably have been through a lot more the past year than any adult. Face it, believe it or not, me: Lizzy Parker, is actually wise beyond her years. And its odd…a change I am certainly not completely comfortable with. Having to grow up that fast.
But that's not the only thing that's changed since the healing. And this is really hard for me to admit. That future version of Max that came to my house what seems like an eternity ago is right: I am not letting myself change. But Ava forced me to. For Max, I had to. I know this sounds odd, I mean, like something out of a bad sci-fi flick, but when Max healed me, he changed me. Gave me powers or something. The only thing I know for certain with this is that they're not exactly human.
I guess you can sort of compare this to the phoenix, a mythological bird. When it died, a new phoenix would take form from its ashes. Am I that phoenix? The one who died, and was brought back to life in a new form: one not entirely human, or advanced for our species? Ava wouldn't explain completely. She claimed it was complecated or something. Since when is that new….
I never finished this entry as I look back on it. I really couldn't bring myself to face facts, you know. It's been weeks since Max and Tess have been back in Roswell. Christmas was yesterday. And even though Max told me he still believed in me, for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to believe that everything would ever be all right between us again…
Random Journal Entry #3
Journal Entry 37…
It's February 14, again. And last year, Valentine's Day was perfect. All right, so what if it didn't start out that way. What if I was angry with Maria for entering me in KROZ's blind date contest? What if it was just my dumb luck to win it? And what if, as you know, the date started dull, with university student Doug Shellow? None of that matters now. All that matters is that it ended up being one of the most wonderful nights of my life, when my own "dark haired mystery man from an exotic place" showed up on my roof top.
Kyle had gotten Max really drunk (and it was only one sip!) and the two of them had come to my balcony when Doug and I were trying to escape the DJ Greg P. of KROZ. Max had used his powers and had drawn a heart with our initials on the wall. I wish that hadn't fade away, I could use that reminded of what our love used to be right now. And when Doug and I entered my bedroom in our escape, Max literally swept me off into the night.
As I remember, the next few moments after that were magical. He wanted to run away with me, and he used his powers, out in the open, to prove it. God, if only we had left town…but then the sensible voice of reason interupts with that future version of Max's warning. And when we finally made it to the concert, where Alex and Maria were performing at, Greg P. told Kyle, Max, and Doug to convince me which was worthy.
Max had not chosen words like the other two, but instead we kissed. I don't think I'll ever be able to describe it. I saw things when he kissed me, images of us, and all the time we had spent together sophomore year, up to that point. It wasn't like later with the orb. It was something, I don't know, deeper, something purely us. And it was my, our, his, kiss that sobbered Max up.
I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that Valentine's day. Even years from now, I'll always look back and think that that, that was what being in love is. And though this year, a year since the disasterous, wonderful blind date concert, Alex, Maria (who had perfectly no reason to be there, considering she and Michael are together!) , and I celebrated together at the Crashdown, a lonely hearts convention, which surprisingly, Tess joined, all I could really think about was that night, and Max.
I know we are friends now, no more than that, but I also know we can't be at the level we want to. Future Max warned me. And I wish someday Tess will maybe feel welcome and won't leave Max, Michael, and Isabel, this way Future Max's reality will definitely not occur. And maybe, if Tess finally feels like she belongs, maybe, Max and I might be together someday again. So, perhaps that's why Alex, Maria, and I allowed Tess to party with us. Cause, surprisingly, she is really a lot like us: wanting to be needed.
I found a box outside my window as I returned from our "party." When I opened it, I found an old Phil Collins CD, a pendant, and a note. The CD had the track "In the Air Tonight," the song Maria had sung at the concert when Max had rushed off the stage. The pendant was silver, with five stars punched in the oval, in a v-shape formation. It took me a moment to realize that it was Max's constellation, where his real home stands waiting. It was also the last image we had received before breaking off the kiss on last year's blind date.
I think, that despite all that, it was the note that brought the tears to my eyes. I recognized the hand-writing instantly as I read. "It's all just magic when I think about you. I didn't forget that night like I claimed. You're my dream girl Liz, now and forever."
Maybe some hearts just won't ever give up. I know mine won't and I hope Max's won't either. So now I, Liz Parker, wish that someday, life will be simple again and that maybe I'll be able to return the love freely to the man I know loves me.